6 April 2011

I CAN HAS JOB?

I recently put out a casting call for my next short film and have been constantly amused at what some people consider a good covering letter. This one really made me smile so I had to respond, probably a bit harsh but couldn't resist.

*This is not a joke, I really did receive this from an actor*
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THE COVERING LETTER:

Dear Hiring Manager,

I've read your job posting with interest but I'm not coming just for an audition outside London, where I live (except if you pay for my travel).
I've done already 37 films in the UK, only from April 2010, and for some of them I didn't even need auditions.
I have extensive experience as an actor, which I believe, would be an ideal match for almost any role.
I've got profiles on Total Talent, Bedroom Genius and Facebook.
I work only with filmmakers who are friendly, sincere, reliable and professional, with clear vision, people who know exactly what they want from me.
Last but not least: you need to give me your promise, written on paper, that you'll provide, when finished, a copy of the film on DVD.

Thanks

****** ********
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MY RESPONSE:

Dear ****** ********,

I'm glad you read our casting call with interest, unfortunately if you're unwilling to even travel to an audition in Greater London (where you live) without being paid I don't think you're the right person for the role.

It's very impressive that you've acted in 37 films since April 2010, unfortunately I always favour quality over quantity. I once ate 15 packets of crisps in 3 hours but only enjoyed the 5th packet, the rest were rubbish.

It's very helpful that you have extensive experience as an actor, and I agree that it would make you ideal for almost any acting role. To be honest I'm a bit intimidated and only like working with inexperienced actors who I can boss around.

I also have a profile on Facebook but unfortunately we're not friends otherwise I would poke you.

It's wise that you only work with filmmakers who are friendly, sincere, reliable and professional. Unfortunately I don't have a clear vision of what I want, I usually just point the camera at the actors and hope for the best. I can only imagine I would disappoint you as a director.

I'm more than happy to give anyone I work with a signed agreement, on paper, that they will receive a DVD copy of the finished film. However, my DVD player is currently broken and I don't think it's fair that other people could watch my film when I can't.

Thank you for your application but on this occasion I won't be offering you an audition that you're not willing to travel to. Good luck with all your future endeavours.

Best wishes

Jamie

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